Which Zuma is the right Zuma for me?

Dear readers, compatriots, and would-be Zuma wives. 
It has been a while since I have written to you, and for this I must apologise. I try as much as I can to avoid excusing my shortcomings, but in this case, askies tog. Lately I have found myself totally incapacitated; unable to do anything or contemplate any other matter other than the great conundrum of our time: which Zuma is the right Zuma for me?
I know beyond a shadow of doubt that, just like me, most of you – if not all of you – overflowed with rapturous ecstasy on 16 December 2023, upon hearing the news that our country’s…